...doubt,laugh,cry,live.......

I just feel like pushing pause on life and just taking a break for a while. Everything is just so confusing now, it makes me upset knowing that tomorrow may not be different. I was just thinking today about how everything before was different, i had guidance, courage,confidence and stamina to just live life to the fullest. But something died inside me.. i remember those days when i would hang out with my friends and we would all cry, laugh and talk about what was missing inside of us. Now, i lost my best friends, my good friends and the rest em, well they are living their life the way they want to. I feel like here in this life i'm living i have no purpose, no need. That is why i feel like the military i would be part of something big that i would be able to accomplish and make my family proud.

Lets just say, im the doubt in the family. and it hurts because not even my OWN family has faith in me, what makes you think i'm going to believe that anyone else does? 

ugh it just gets hard to move forward when i cant even let go of the past.....

Be Creative! (:

<3<3

HLC <3

L.O.V.E <3

• Be Creative People! <3

True Person.

Josh M. Nemeth IV, born on Novemember 15, 1976, died September 15, 2010. He was an amazing person, i could honestly say, HE IS MY HERO. I remember when i was in h.s i would walk pass him and he would just stand there with a serious face on, but when one of his students walked in his Chemistry room, his face lit up with a eye to eye smile. Then i came to realize why people loved him so much, it started when i was a Junior in h.s and i was about to take chemistry. His class was amazing, we would walk in the room, our note sheet would be on the corner of the desk and we would sit in our assigned seats. He would always say "lets begin" and we moved on to praying the hail mary. Every single class, we would pray that prayer. Time came along and he became a good friend of mine. I remember all those times when i would just sit there and talk to him about boys, school, family, friends or whatever was on my mind. Even at times, cry with him and tell him how i had enough with my life. I could honestly say he helped me get thru everything. One of the best memories i have with him was when i went on my school retreat called Kairos and he wrote all of us a letter......and in that letter there were wise words that just make sense. 

Sorry if you cant really see it... :/

He also helped me out when i became a retreat leader, he met with me in the mornings to look over my speech and told me how to make it better. Man, i miss those days were we wouldn't even talk about my speech and we would just talk about random things. i miss those days... :/

Anyways in this letter he just made me think about how life really is suppose to be, he would always tell me to enjoy life, im young. and well thats what i tried doing for the remainder of the time. There was also a time were he just helped me pull thru senior year, when my grades were dropping and i was in danger of not graduating. He gave me hope. He gave me that support that i needed. When i graduated i felt so accomplished that i was able to walk across that stage, with my cap and gown and seeing my diploma being handed to me with my name 

Flor Maria Mendoza 

time went by, and this is were i still kick myself in the ass for,  i lost contact with him. Until one day, i was not able to go back and see him for the last time. I remember driving to school, rainy day in chicago. and i was on my way to math class, until i received a text message from my friend Omar. saying "El maestro de chimica se murio, que en paz descanze" which means "our chemistry teacher has died, rest in peace" i didnt want to believe it, i thought he was playing a joke on me. Until my friend who is a student

there sent me a text saying "please call me" right then i knew it was for real. i was driving by a burger king and a gas station when i called her. Her voice was shaky and full of sadness, thats when she told me Mr. Nemeth passed away. I couldnt help but cry. I went to school and i called my parents telling them the news. I walked into school with tears in my face not caring wtf people were saying. I saw my best friend Jessica and all she could do was just be quiet. I just said i cant be here i need to go back to my h.s and see. I called my friend ivette and told her if she wanted to come with. When i picked her up, there was dead silence, when before me and her would be laughing. We went to park the car and walked to our h.s. we saw a good priest that weve been knowing since we were freshman and we all i heard him say was "sad day huh?" and tears falling from his face. We walked into the school and it just felt dead, we saw all of our old teachers and we just cried with them. Later that day, the crew went out to Mcdonalds and laughed because we knew he wanted us to be happy, but before we ate, we all prayed. I led prayer and just felt him around

After that it was going to to the wake; man that will never leave my mind. Seeing him with no life, but with his smile on his face just made me go crazy. not being able to see his warm smile anymore. or his eyes look at me, just made me dead inside. There they gave us a card with his picture and this amazing poem that really did tie everything together...

The poem said....

"if we could have a lifetime wish

a dream that would come true,

we'd pray to God with all our hearts

for yesterday and you.

a thousand words cant bring you back

we know, because we've tried...

Neither will a thousand tears

we know, because we've cried...

You left behind our broken hearts

and happy memories too...

We never wanted memories,

we only wanted you."

Fit him perfectly, i remember that i had to go to the burial to say my last goodbye, but when i was there it was a see you later. When i was in mass and heard the bang pipes man it hit me like "fxck he is actually gone" and hearing a speech from his sisters and brothers tied it together that he was a man that EVERYONE loved. Going to the burial and seeing his family cry and ssaying" my baby" "we miss you josh" just broke my heart. seeing all his students from his previous years standing with flowers, with tears in their eyes just hit me. i remember telling him that it wasnt a goodbye, but a see you later. 

till this day i do get sad and think about him, but i know one day were going to have lunch with God one day, a lunch date with God. 

does L.O.V.E really exist?

• Love? what is the real definition of this simple 4 letter word? Or is it really that simple? My mother was telling this story about her and when she was my age, how she fell madly in love with this man from Mexico. She said she felt like it was "true love" this is the story.... she was 17 years old, and living in Guanajuato, Mexico (were my parents are from). She came from a family were she was thought that life is all about work, you have to work to get in and work to stay in. She said one day she was taking a walk around this big garden were everyone just goes to see the beautiful flowers blossoming during summer. She was walking alone the flowers until she felt someone looking at her, as if they were watching her the whole time (I know, stalker much? haha) She said she turned around and saw this guy, handsome and appealing guy, stare at her and smiling at her. She said he was smiling to the point were she knew he wanted to make contact with her some odd way. She went home that night and all she could think about was "Why was he looking at me?" a girl who doesn't have nice clothes, good haircut, or even good shoes. Why her? The next day, she did the same'o job she did everyday, go to school, come home and help my grandma with chores around the house. But throughout the day she could not get the him out of her mind, until then.....she heard someone knocking at the door. It was that same guy that saw her at the garden. She told me they spent the whole night talking and asking each other everything they wanted to know. She said she felt as if she already knew much about him. He loved to ride his motorcycle, spend time with his sisters, and help out people as much as he could. She said how can someone so cute and simple like someone like her? She said after that day they spent their days together, to the point were they became one. Boyfriend and girlfriend <3. She said it was hard to believe that after just one day they became to fall in love. And yes know in this generation, its all about dating, sex, sex & yes more sex. But she said after the years they spent, sex was never performed, Shocker right? She said her world was falling apart when my grandfather decided to migrate to the United States for a better future. But she said that did not stop them from communicating with each other and still going strong. Weird right? She said one day it felt different, not her feelings about him, but this gut feeling she had when she woke up. He called her saying that he was going out that night to a party if it was okay with her. Of course, my mother trusted him and let him do his thing that night. The next morning, she received a phone call from his sister. They explained to her that he was killed in a car accident that night when he went out to the party. My mother just cried her eyes out, packed her bags and flew to Mexico to see him one last time. His sisters cried and cried when they told her that the last thing he did was write my mother a letter telling her how falling in love with her was the most smart decision he has ever made. He also mentioned how he wanted to marry my mother and be happy with her as one. My mother told me in the most simplest way "love is what you make it out to be". And by her telling me this it made me think about the word love. Do only the lucky ones experience love? Nope, i came to realize that love has many definitions. There this small quote i fell in love with when i heard it in a movie,

" Love is many things. It's varied. One thing it is not and can never be is unsure. "  

Made me think how love comes to people in different ways, shapes, sizes or situations. And that is right, its is never unsure, people might say it is, but deep down inside they know what they want, just scared to make it happen. I know that i will make it happen, one way or another. <3 

Present.?

woah. its almost 2011, the time were New Year resolutions come along. Yeap we all have them, those resolutions that we have for ourselves that we want to "accomplish" but do we really? there those resolutions were at times there just to hard to believe, even to one-self. For example "I am not going to lie".  Really? Last time i checked lies is all i ever heard after the first day. To be honest, the new year (2011) scares me. It scares me for many reasons. One, the fact that im scared that this new year is going to be the same as all the other years that i "thought" were going to be different. Two, my father wont be, again, but i guess after 17 years it kind of got to the point were i kind of guessed it wasn't going to happen for me. three, i will be alone during this big celebration, not family & friends wise, but as in a companion wise. It just brings me those memories where I would spend it with that so-called "special person". Four, im scared if i am actually going to take advantage of the fact that its a new beginning. it makes me think in a way, why do people wait till the new year to start over, why not start over 4,5,6 days ago? Yet again, it is probably more legit to some people. What i do know is that, i am going to take advantage of every opportunity that i have offered to me. I am not going to live life with the "what if's" anymore. Yes it does take some effort to just open up and let go, but hey life isn't easy. I remember when i was a little girl I would wait until midnight with my colorful hat and with that thing you spin and makes noise haha, but i wonder what happend to that girl. Im not sure, but maybe she went on hold when nothing happened in that split second when 11:59 pm turned into 12:00 am. But one never knows what the future holds until there living that moment, that moment were they waited for. Im not sure what they "New Year" might bring, i just have to wait until i am living it. (: